Breakfast . . . Not from a gas station
For the first time on the trip we awoke to a home cooked breakfast, and other than the fear that we would be making emergency bathroom stops on the next leg, we truly enjoyed it. A little behind schedule, as always, we loaded up the car and said our goodbyes. After prying Rob off of Barbara, we headed down the road with big smiles. Rob’s smile was especially big, so big that we grew suspicious. After a bit of interrogation, he reached under his shirt and presented the “souvenir” he had taken from the Powers’ home. We quickly turned the car around to return the picture of Sara’s sister, Kelly.

CPK in CHI
To say that Trent likes music is like saying Gary likes being French , or Rob likes making jokes about his “prison wallet” so when DJTront realized that Lalapalooza would be rocking Chicago on the day we were set to roll through town, he sort of started to vibrate. But after nine days of being in the car, the thought of the traffic that Lalapalooza causes in Chicago was enough to make him reconsider. We decided it would be best to avoid the city and headed towards a place that made Trent’s “excitement vibrations” turn into full fledged celebratory shaking. We were in Chicago, a city famous for its pizza, and we ate the best they had to offer, a mountain of CPK.

I hope that someone gets my [x3]
Our drive to the land of a thousand lakes included a stop at a river where we took in the sunset in our usual fashion — a race against time to find a suitable location, a scramble to find our corkscrew, a near death experience opening a wine bottle with a rock or a shoe, and a few moments of peace and reflection. On this occasion we decided to end our sunset tradition with another tradition carried over from the sailboat. We took one of our PanAmerica cards, wrote a little message on it and hurled it into the river. We then made jokes about how Gary throws like a French guy, picked up the bottle from where it lay in the bushes about 15 feet (3 meters) away , and let someone else try. This time it went farther and got a strange look from the fisherman that it landed near. We quickly left while the bottle most likely floated back to where we threw it from.

Shell Gas > Rodeo Drive
As we made our way to our friend Eric’s house in Minneapolis we stopped for gas. Eric was nice enough to welcome us to his place that he literally moved into one day before we arrived, so we thought it would be nice to bring him a little housewarming gift. Our options were seemingly limitless as long as we were open to leather apparel. Trent and Matt put their best shopping skills to work and came up with a single serving bottle of white wine and a holographic picture of some dogs (Maltese) in a lovely plastic frame. Upon arrival, we promptly deposited the wine in his empty fridge and hung the picture on the empty dining room wall. Eric was pleased.

Gary quickly became less pleased when Trent passed gas in his direction . . .from about an inch away from his face.

There’s No Business Like Slow Business
In order to ensure our early departure from the Biggest of Apples, we prepacked our bags the night before, set multiple alarms for 6:45 and 7AM and contacted the concierge to make sure the car was waiting out front no later than 7:30 the following morning.

We left the hotel a little after 9 AM the next morning. Sometimes you just have to make your best friend’s girlfriend’s parents’ wait. We not-as-immediately-as-planned made a run for the border: Taco Bell. And then… Canada.

Getting Mountied in the Eh?
Canada was apparently very excited about our cause because they actually asked us to stop in at the border crossing office so we could meet more of the fine, fine Canadian officers. Either that, or Mr. Canadian crossing guard did not appreciate our cameras. At first he noticed Gary holding a GoPro and asked him to turn it off. Then a short backseat discussion ensued between Rob and Trent that pretty much went as follows:

Rob: Trent, you might want to put your phone down.

Trent: In a second. (Trent Facebook updates)

Rob: (nonchalant) Seriously, put your phone down.

Trent: (flippant) I said I will. (continues Facebooking)

Rob: He just asked you to put it away.

Trent: He asked Gary to put the GoPro away. He can’t even see me.

Rob: He is literally looking at you.

Crossing Guard: Okay. So you boys have been randomly selected for a vehicle search. Please pull up to that building over there and leave your keys in the car. Eh.

The search turned up a strawberry beer, a unicorn mask and a pack of waterproof matches, and we were then directed the vehicle search area as Rob’s cavity search was over. He quickly applied a bit of Gold Bond powder because “You never know when you’ll need finger print evidence.” In actuality, we stood around a room for 15 minutes while they paid exactly zero attention to us and then told us we were free to go.

A Significant Amount of Water
We were told that the Canadian side of Niagara Falls is supposed to be much nicer than the American side. “Supposed to” should be changed to “without a doubt” because everything in Canada looked like it came directly out of a Dr. Seuss book. The tractors had curvicles and whatsidoos and the trees smelled like vermilicious mupps.

One thing Canada managed worse than America, however, was traffic control. As we neared Niagara Falls, we quickly discovered that we weren’t going to have to park. This is because the moment you enter Niagara Falls you are sitting in the country’s largest parking lot. There was so much traffic that Rob (who had been there before) volunteered to pull the car around while the rest of us ran off to share in some memories. We took Rob up on his offer by bailing out of the car in the middle of the street and yelling “Sucker!” We later promised Rob we’d incept him into our memories when we arrived in Detroit, except we forgot that Inception is a movie and that Rob, like Dr. Seuss, is already a figment of our imaginations anyway.

Also, “the Falls” – as the Canadian hipsters say – were pretty impressive because there is a significant amount of water.

Yes, I’ll Have Fries With That
Our lightning fast waterfall stop was followed up by what may be the highlight of the trip for Gary: driving on Canadian Highways. Considering how many miles we had driven, you can imagine the hours spent stuck behind someone in the fastlane going slower than the speed limit. In Canada, it happened only twice, and both cars had Michigan plates. It’s amazing to be part of 100 miles of road where everyone uses their rearview mirror. Listen up Americans! Canadians use these fuzzy dice holders to see if someone is behind them, and if there is, they get out of the way. Incroyable! This phenomenon allowed us to make great time as did the fact that we converted the speed limit in kilometers to miles by realizing that 100 kilometers per hour equals 100 miles per hour. Since all of our digital devices were roaming, we chose to accept this as fact.

Eventually, we took a break from flying through Canada to grab some food at a local fast food chain called Harvey’s. Harvey’s should be called What the Whatting What and their slogan should be “Fine food served by THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN CANADA WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW?!”

If this was America and Ashton Kutcher still had a career, we would have thought we were being punk’d. Then we stopped again just before crossing the border back into the US and found more insanely attractive people working at the Duty Free store coffee shop. Then it occurred to us: Canada saw our fancy car and pulled a North Korea type switcheroo hoping we’d come back to the US, shoot some hoops, and explain to the president why we shouldn’t blow them up.

Duty.
On the side of the road, literally feet from the border, all of us realized we had one final chance to do something we had dreamed of: Duty Free shopping spree! We parked and laughed for 15 minutes about the word “duty.”

Here’s how Duty Free shopping works:

Step 1) Become instantly overwhelmed by the amount of tax free, giant bottles of alcohol on sale for the lowest prices you’ve ever seen anywhere ever in the history of booze purchases and seriously consider taking up smoking because it’s so cheap, they practically pay you.

Step 2) Mentally debate whether you actually require four gallons of gin.

Step 3) Realize you absolutely require four gallons of gin.

Step 4) Rent a mule to haul the four gallons of gin out to the car followed by the five gallons of scotch because when are you going to find five gallons of scotch for forty bucks?

Step 5) High five a stranger because you’ve both participated in the glory that is Duty Free Shopping.

Step 6) Reward yourself with a smoothie for your hard work and patience. Make sure to ask for the plastic free version, though, otherwise the attractive female barista will break the first blender, pour the contents immediately into a second blender, and then reblend for desired plastic effect.

America: The Reunion Tour (Now With More Booze)
We headed back to America. Rob reapplied a bit more Gold Bond for the “security check” and Matt grumbled about the stupid American drivers. Trent still had no idea why everyone was complaining. In his mind, he was still the best driver in the car. In his heart, though, he knew otherwise. One day he’d show them. He’d show them all…

At the border, we had expected the worst. In addition to still looking exactly the same when entering Canada, we now had enough alcohol in the car to set an entire state on fire, and Trent was wearing his stupid glasses again. The border guard asked where we were from. We proudly proclaimed “Los Angeles-eles-Ohio-ngeles” and were asked about our roadtrip. After our heartfelt explanation, the guard smiled and said “I don’t think I have three friends who I could stand enough to sit in a car with for that amount of time.” He then became deadly serious as he mentioned how badly our car must smell.

Fire Pits and the Powers That Be
Before arriving at Sara’s childhood home, Trent learned that Detroit’s Robocop statue wasn’t finished and was probably the most disappointed he’d been on the trip so far. Gary was never actually planning on going there, but Gary is a dream maker. Not a dream breaker.

We pulled up to the Powers’ residence, where we were greeted by a white van adorned with a perfectly reconstructed PanAmerica logo made from electrical tape. It felt like we were home, even if just for a night. Then we met Sara’s parents, cousins, and saw pictures of Sara’s sister. And what happened then, well in Detroit they say – that the Robert’s small heart grew three sizes that day.

For the first time, we took in a sunset with family.

After amazing pulled pork sandwiches, corn on the cob, coleslaw and beers, the remainder of the night was spent laughing and talking around a turquoise fire (no fooling! Look up “copper sulfate” packets). When it comes to dating, you don’t just date a person. You date their family. Gary was clearly dating an incredible family and it was the easiest thing in the world to see.

Rob would not be left out of this equation.

The night wore on, more bottles of wine disappeared, and Sara’s father realized it was time to get to the good stuff: a little champagne and a whole lot of gin and tonics. This must have been fuel for Rob’s proverbial fire because he was throwing out that Wild Card charm like it was three-day old bathwater. All anyone could do was laugh as Rob asked question after question about Sara’s sister, Sara’s mom, how good their respective relationships were, if her mom wanted a younger boy toy, if her father needed an apprentice, if her parents wanted a son-in-law, had they seen Son-in-Law, whether or not they think Paulie Shore would be a good father, Jury Duty was hilarious, when did the fire turn blue…

Rob finally passed out. Trent tucked him in, Matt kissed Rob good night, and Gary went to bed whenever he and Sara’s dad ran out of things to say.

We’re pretty sure they were up all night.

Just Sleep It Off
We awoke in the morning in New York’s Time’s Square . . . and rolled over.

We awoke in the afternoon in New York’s Time’s Square which felt amazing. We noticed that this hotel had something that we’d never seen before. The blinds actually closed all the way. Seriously, not one drop of light got through, not that we would have woken up any earlier if it had. Knowing that we didn’t have to get in the car and drive was like an emotional spa day. For the first time in over a week, we had the ability to put more than a few feet of distance between us, but surprisingly enough, we never did for more than an hour or so.

Hey Lizzie Sister What Have You Done
While sitting in the room and discussing how incredible the bathroom mirror was (a portion of it, just in front of the sink was heated so that when everything was fogged up, there was a perfectly reflective 24” circle) Trent got a call from his sister, Lizzie. She successfully stole the mirror’s thunder as it turned out that she and her boyfriend Boyd had hooked us up with some of the hardest to get tickets to the show that we most wanted to see. We were thrilled and left the room with extremely large smiles.

Hot Car, Summer in the City
Rob met some friends from Ohio, Andy and Jared, for lunch while the rest of the crew went out with Shruti, a friend from USC. Everyone enjoyed the food and the fact that they could do so at a leisurely pace and not off of their lap.

Gary followed lunch up with a haircut that somehow looked exactly like it did prior to getting a haircut, which either means it was a really good one or a total waste of $50. Trent, Rob and Matt wandered around the city and ended up in an Army Navy Surplus store where Matt found some boots. Now, one of the people we had spoken to earlier in the day mentioned that we would need to dress up for the show, while 25 other people assured us that we could wear whatever we wanted. But just the slightest thought that his current shoes would be inappropriate for the theatre gave Matt all the justification he needed to buy those boots knowing how much they would piss Gary off when it came time to pack the car the next morning. Trent bought sunglasses without the worry of upsetting Gary.

This Frog Will Change Your Life
We were all very excited to see Book of Mormon, and it did not let us down. We’d like to make jokes about it, but we’re not funny enough. The only thing we can say is that we are so grateful to Lizzie and Boyd that Rob has vowed to be their secret guardian. So if either of you hear someone creeping around in the night you should definitely call the police because it could be Rob.

Sunset
How do you take in sunset in a city that is lit up exactly the same 24 hours a day? Well, we chose to do it at midnight, in our hotel room, and with whisky. We took in the view from our room, which was quite spectacular and happened to include a billboard for our new (possibly only) favorite musical ever. The group broke up once more for an opportunity to spend a little more time with friends, take in a bit more of the city, or work on updates.